April 10, 2000
by WaZzZzuP <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I hate Mondays, but I think I detest certain fringe brands of Organized Religion more so than Mondays. That being said, let's delve into what I believe is the current state of organized religion.
The other night, a discussion ensued about various facets of our religious world. Some are good, but the balance is lamentable. One "organized" religion in particular and the one I shall show my complete disdain for is the ULC (Universal Life Church). This interesting organization offers, if you will, a fast track to all things spiritual. Here's some shining examples...
- The Holy Bible For The 21st Century: $10.00 (not a bad price for the long version, call today, don't delay.)
- Press/Minister Window Shield: $5.00 (I want one of these so I can park wherever the hell I choose. "Scuse me, Officer, but I have a Minister Window Shield, so, like take a hike.")
- Condensed Holy Bible: $7.50 (Do we add water or does this cut through the crap and get right to the juicy parts?)
- Doctor of Metaphysics: $20.00 (Maybe they should call this The Bellevue Plan, inquire within.)
- Doctor of Motivation: $20.00 (Get up you lazy asses!)
- Doctor of Religious Science: $35.00 A course in Mind Transmutation. An excellent course I use daily. Note: that comment was not from the author of this article but from the fruitcake who created the web site. (I often feel like I need to transmutate, but that feeling quickly subsides once I discover I might have actually won $20 million and Ed McMahon will show up at my door step if I buy 50 different magazines.)
- Ministry In A Box: (Just add water.)
And so on....get my point?
For a few hundred US dollars you can start your own church, allow anyone you like to worship there, get metaphysical (wasn't that a reference to a cheesy 70's song by Olivia Newton-John?), become a Doctor in many disciplines, the least of which make you a Doctor of Divinity(whatever the hell that is), become one of The Very Esteemed(folks, I'm not making this up), and so on.
What kind of crack are these folks smoking? Fill me in here please so I can enjoy the same great high they have plus gain full accreditation, become enlightened and maybe marry a few people along the way. Not to mention I have power over a potentially vast number of people. All this for the low low price of (insert amount here). I can't even give exact figures because the church will offer all the courses for nothing. They simply ask for a donation.
Thank god these people don't have guns as a part of their "organized" religion. Religion+guns=Jihad. Don't misunderstand me, this isn't a blanket indictment of religion as a whole, just bits and pieces. Isn't this what makes America great?
I won't provide links since I think the readership is a resourceful lot and as such can find all they need to know about these kooks on the web.
Thats all from your Doctor of Love (I'm planning on ordaining myself as Minister of Love shortly, with help from the good folks at ULC.)
Just think...I can have it all for $19.95.
PFFT! to organized religion such as the ULC.
Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality
Published: April 10, 2000