April 23, 2000

Smoking
   by mike <mike@pfft.net>

Hang on. Before I can really write this, I need to have a couple of good, long drags off my 100% nicotine, 3-foot long cigarette with four nicotine patches wrapped around it. *pff* *pff* Ahh...

There we go. Now that I've stained my teeth yellow, permanantly masked my breath with offensive smokey odor, and basically caused other people to keep their distance by being so vulgar, I can talk to you.

Smoking has become the new national pasttime. More people smoke than watch baseball. A bunch of lucky losers get to smoke AND watch baseball (while stuffing their fat, gluttonous faces with nachos and beer and scratching themselves). But why?

You know what our problem is? Two things: animosity towards the people that smoke, and disbelief of the people that make the so-called "cancer sticks." It's been proven that tobacco manufacturers' sworn testimony to Congress was full of more holes than the plot of "Mission: Impossible." But honestly, we didn't have to have them admit it to know that smoking kills you. Honestly, if you're trying to tell me you didn't know smoking was bad for you, then you're more full of crap than a constipated Ted Kennedy.

I mean, look at this. Is making your teeth look like an ear of corn normal? Should your clothes smell like a firefighter's been wearing them for a decade? I think not. But these are all personal sacrifices people make when they smoke - that's their business. I've got no beef with you people.

I do have a serious problem with the jagoffs out there who wave their hands in the air and fake cough when people near them light up. I do dislike you jerks that start rattling off cancer facts to your friend. I think you're assholes. What other people do with their lung is their own business. Do you see me trying to tell you that by not urinating three or more times a day you may damage your kidney? What the hell do I care if you kill yourself by not pissing enough? Same goes for other people destroying their lungs.

If you find it that repulsive, then guess what? You're free to leave. No one's chained you down and tied you up. (Unless, of course, the word 'bondage' is appealing to you.) When someone near you starts to smoke, you get up and leave, okay? PFFT!

Keep whining and moaning about how smoking is killing society, and I'm going to torch your house/apartment/condo/cardboad box/sleeping bag/tent. Kapische? Have a nice day. :)

Published: April 23, 2000
Editor: stacy