Experts Agree...

May 6, 2000

Is there anything really CORRECT about being political?
   by mike <>

Listen, class. As you move on from high school, each of you will be free to choose his or her own vocation. And from there, your supervisor may choose to promote you, depending on how he or she views your performance. Someday, you may rise to middle-management and become a "Yes-man" or "Yes-woman." It's rough out there in the real world. Wear a cup, or some sort of female crotch and breast protection device.

Let me begin by saying a couple things: this article is being written by a man. That last sentence was in the passive voice. If I were really grammatically correct, I'd have said "A man is writing this article." I am incontinent. My garden needs watering. Oh yeah, and this "he or she" crap needs to stop. It's making me nauseous.

You know what, every time someone so much as opens their mouths, they're attacked for not representing both genders equally in whatever they say. Why is this such an issue? We've done well without having to worry about not being too gender-specific in what we say or write. It's worked since the beginning of time, lasting over 1,990 years, and suddenly NOW we're worrying about it? Sheesh. That's like Ted Kennedy laying on his death bed and deciding he wants to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Besides, half of the crap the major feminist groups have thrown out there makes no sense anyway. You didn't like "history," so it's "herstory" or "hystory" now. Well, both of those represent the female gender more than the male one. Unfair. You're sexist pigs! Also, "hystory" reminds me of "hysterectomy" - something I'd rather not visualize, thank you very much. Ladies, just because your gender isn't specifically mentioned in the name of a boring high school class doesn't mean we're neglecting you. We can't have kids without you. If you're not around, your hair won't choke us in our sleep. Men are dependent on women to tell them they look good in a suit and that their tie matches their pants. Don't sweat it - we won't forget you!

Honestly you guys (Yes, I said 'you guys.' Not to call you men, but it's a colloquialism. Shut up about it) it's not a big deal. Sure there are men out there who still believe the woman's place is in the home. But remember, there are women out there who agree. Don't fight and firebomb them. Don't protest in front of their office. Just don't let yourself do the same. You do what you want, they do what they want. Period. (Oh, I bet THAT was a derrogatory remark directed at females too, wasn't it?)

Go drink a Squirt and mellow out. Tangy, yet sweet. Tart, but not sour. Ah, Squirt. The choice of an old, balding and more conservative generation.

Published: May 7, 2000
Editor: stacy

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