May 1, 2000

Gay Rights -- Isn't that supposed to be a happy subject?
   by mike <mike@pfft.net>

In order for me to effectively demonstrate the problem we're facing right now, I'd have to be wearing stretch pants, idolizing Richard Simmons and auditioning as a backup White Tiger for Seigfried and Roy. Rarrr. Well, that's not all that's going on right now, but my audition is on Friday. Wish me luck.

What is it about being homosexual that terrifies so many of us that our only outlet is to kidnap, torture, and murder a gay college student? Wouldn't throwing darts at a picture of Captain Kangaroo suffice? Apparently not. We have among us those who feel they are above the rest of us. They believe that, for some reason, their judgement not only supercedes, but is superior to our own. They are the ones causing all the commotion.

You know what? If you are so insecure about your own sexuality that you have to mock, imitate, harass, or batter a homosexual, you have just forfeited your right to breathe the same oxygen as me. It boggles my mind that you feel the need to use slanderous terms like "fag" and "fudge-packer" to describe people who clearly prefer "fairy," "queer" or "homo."

Seriously, though, you share living space, office space, and eating space with these people. They're no different from you or I. Think about it. The only difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals are the types of partners each is interested in. That's it. There's no such thing as "gay food" or a "gay theater." It's all relative. Porn is porn. It's a matter of what the director focuses the camera on.

The recent Millennium March on Washington had tens of thousands of gay and lesbian supporters marching in favor of gay rights. What's the big deal? Is it really that difficult for you to ignore someone if their behavior bothers you? Hell, I do that every day in calculus class. This guy won't shut up. He just talks and talks about random, useless crap I don't care about. He also has a Ph.D and I call him 'professor.'

I can understand how uncomfortable a situation might be should someone of the opposite persuasion 'come on to you.' But you know what? If you don't want people asking you out, stop wearing that purple handkerchief in your back pocket, Lieutenant Flamer. Speaking of lieutenants, what's so impossible to cope with about gays in the military? Who honestly gives a damn whether they shower with you or not? Jesus Christ. If homosexuals and lesbians want to fight, let 'em fight, dammit. Why? Because I sure as hell ain't fighting.

This all boils down to tolerance. Tolerance for those who just don't know better, and ignoring homosexuals for people that do know better but just got dropped on their heads too many times as infants. In the end, we all die. We all go to one of the same two places. And dammit, if you're that terrified of homosexual activity, you'd sure as hell better not get sentenced to any prison time, or else some 400lb child molester is gonna make you his bitch.

So from now on, relax and go eat some Pez. It's surprisingly relaxing. It's almost magical how whenever you tilt Darth Vader's head back, another Pez is just there. That is so cool! Oh, and by the way, Darth Vader was gay. Bald and gay.

Published: May 2, 2000
Editor: stacy