July 31, 2000

Adventures in Licensing: Part I - SalesDroids
   by ocelot <>

The story you are about to read is true (well, hyperbolized a wee bit, perhaps, but the general situation is completely true). Names and other identifying information have been changed to protect the innoc^H^H^H^Hdiotic.

Setting: The software licensing department of a large university somewhere on the left coast of the United States. Our heroine, ocelot, is struggling valiantly to help the poor tech support guys complete their CD of online software, which is apparently due in a few hours, even though they were told they had another week in which to complete it. All they need now is Pedantyc AntiBacteria for the Macintosh, but the Pedantyc sales reps have been giving them the run-around for weeks...

Scene 1

ocelot picks up the phone and dials a number...

SalesDroid: Hello, Pedantyc.
ocelot: Hi, this is ocelot at the University of California, Sunnydale. I tried your instructions, but the CD you sent only had the Windows version of AntiBacteria. In fact, it didn't even have a Macintosh image on it.
SalesDroid: Oh. pause Well, why don't I give you access to our Super Top Secret High Security software distribution website? Go to and login with the username AntiBacteria, password AntiBacteria.

ocelot sighs. She has been given access to the Super Top Secret High Security software distribution website before, and the software she needs isn't there.

ocelot: Ok, I'm logged into the site.
SalesDroid: Ok, click on the File Dungeon button. You should see a folder named AntiBacteria_Solutions she clicks What do you see?
ocelot: I see three folders, named AB_Corporate, AB_MS_Exchange, and AB_Essential.
SalesDroid: Oh. The tech guy told me that folder would be there. Damn Techies. Ok, go into the corporate folder and tell me what you see.
ocelot: I see a pdf file and a file named
SalesDroid: Ok, that isn't it. Try the AB_Essential directory.
ocelot: Ok, I see another pdf file and a file named
SalesDroid: Uh...uh...what were the three directories again?
ocelot: AB_Corporate, AB_MS_Exchange, and AB_Essential.
SalesDroid: Oh yeah! That's right! Go to the Exchange folder!
ocelot: For the Macintosh version?
SalesDroid: Yeah! The Damn Techies went and renamed the folder.
ocelot: Um, ok... click. Ok, I see a pdf file and a file named
SalesDroid: That's it! That's the file you need!
ocelot: puzzled Uh...are you sure that the file named is the file that contains the Macintosh version of AntiBacteria?
SalesDroid: Yup! Those Damn Techies are renaming everything. It's causing me a lot of problems. Don't worry, the Mac version is encoded in there. Trust me, I know what I'm doing here. You can't trust those Techies
ocelot: Trying unsuccessfully not to laugh Okay, if you say so. I'll try this out and get back to you if we have more problems.

ocelot hangs up the phone, shakes head, and logs onto IRC to inform her co-worker of the situation.

Scene 2

** ocelot ( has joined channel #ucsunnydale
** Users on #ucsunnydale: ocelot c000ks azathoth Tealie CapVideo TekSupGuy ZenShadow RaZZoR DarkRaven Thumper riah BrightEye SeKs funjon @Helix piper Summyr arthup Bahumaut newmoon dixon GoneLuis wuf irwin dweeq spikebike zeep Iba WormMan msa zeef leng Flynn @flux bentobox @Lizard @OperServ
** Channel #ucsunnydale was created Thu May 11 14:55:25 2000
*TekSupGuy* ocelot! Do you have AntiBacteria yet?
-> *TekSupGuy* The Pedantyc guy is smoking some serious crack
*TekSupGuy* Yeah, yeah. We know. Do you have the software?
-> *TekSupGuy* Ummm...I'm really not sure. Go to the Super Top Secret High Security software distribution website I told you about yesterday -, and login with the username AntiBacteria, password AntiBacteria.
-> *TekSupGuy* Go to the File Dungeon, open the AB_MS_Exchange folder, a get the file
-> *TekSupGuy* i read the filename off to him and asked him if it was the macintosh version. He said the mac version is encoded in there. *shrug*
*TekSupGuy* intel???
-> *TekSupGuy* he said yes, that the system guys were idiots or something
-> *TekSupGuy* and i hope you find the excessive incompetance required find this to seem sensible as amusing as i do
-> *TekSupGuy* so anyway, try it, and if it doesn't work I'll call him back again

The phone rings

ocelot: Hello, Software Licensing, ocelot speaking.
SalesDroid: Hi, I talked to the tech guys. Got a web browser?
ocelot: .oO(Didn't I just read some folder/filenames off for you a few minutes ago) Yep.
SalesDroid: Ok, I talked to the Techies. Go to Are you there?
ocelot: Yup.
SalesDroid: Ok, log in as AntiBacteriaUser, with the password vaccination
ocelot: clickclickclick Ok...there's a folder labeled Macintosh here. Is it in there?
SalesDroid: Hey! You're not supposed to know that the files are in the File Dungeon without me telling you!
ocelot: Yeah, yeah. Is the software I need in the Macintosh folder?
SalesDroid: He grumbles Yes. You're one of those Damn Techies, are you?
ocelot: Great, thanks for all your help. .oO(Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Why couldn't you have told me this THREE WEEKS AGO WHEN I FIRST ASKED!?!?!)
SalesDroid: Damn're all out to drive me crazy...incoherentmumble
ocelot: Oookay...well..Bye!

Back on irc...

-> *TekSupGuy* ok, he just called back with a more sensible answer
*TekSupGuy* ok
-> *TekSupGuy* go to, login AntiBacteriaUser, pass vaccination. go to file dungeon. there should be a mac folder in there
-> *TekSupGuy* then you can download AB_Mac.hqx
*TekSupGuy* thanks
-> *TekSupGuy* i'm not quite sure what was going on with him before... definitely needs to lay off the crack, though.

As the scene ends, our heroine turns back to her monitor and checks her email, which reads "Dear Dr. Software."

Stay tuned for another (not so) exciting episode of Adventures in Licensing, coming soon to a website near you.


ocelot: Herself
SalesDroid: Anonymous luser who the writer had to talk to this afternoon, in a conversation remarkably similar to the one portrayed above
TekSupGuy: Leng
#ucsunnydale members: The residents of #ucd and #*censored*

Written and directed by ocelot
Editor: Stacy
Technical Director: Robin

No vampires, cows, or SalesDroids were injured in the production of this story.

Brought to you by PFFT!, the RTLF/SBLF and the number 42.

Published: July 31, 2000
Editor: robin

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