August 11, 2000

What's up with the geek girl?
   by stacy <pfftnet@stacy.pfft.net>

It sucks being conflicted. There are 2 distinct parts of my nature that constantly fight, both of them wanting control of me. On the one hand, I'm rather shy and have a terrible fear of rejection. On the other hand, I have an extroverted side that wants to go out and have fun with friends and be the life of the party. You can't have it both ways.

I'm ridiculously envious of people I know who go out to lunch everyday with everybody they work with or with some other group of people. I see them in restaurants at lunch, 4, 5, 8 people sitting there having a good time, laughing and joking amongst themselves. That happens to me, but not often. I wish that was me, sitting with those people, but around here, it just doesn't happen. I don't know why.

Either all the people I work with choose to eat lunch alone, or they discreetly decide who they're going with and quietly slip away. I don't see groups of people from my department wondering where they're going to go (I do see people from other departments doing it though). Occasionally somebody comes by and asks if I want to join them for lunch, but no more than once a week, if that. And if I'm the one who asks, they've either already left without leaving clues to where they've gone, or they have plans.

So, poor little me goes to the Burger King drive-thru or Subway to get a Subway Club far too often. I'd be better off just bringing my own lunch, or foregoing lunch altogether and working out at the gym across the street (which, admittedly, is where some of the people I work with are headed for lunch these days). But I'm more content to wallow in self-pity, wishing for that which I see other people having. I always find good reasons to see why my life sucks and other people are having such a great time.

Published: August 11, 2000
Editor: stacy