March 22, 2002

It Pays to be a Lying Back-Stabber

Until Monday 3/18/02 I had worked for three years for a MAJOR corporation in Los Angeles. I was told that I was a VALUED EMPLOYEE and that they would always watch my back.

Flash back to the Thursday before this date.

I got offered a position four days earlier by my boss' former boss, one of his most fierce competitors. The position has more status and about 15% more money. Plus, it was relevant to my talents. Conversely, my boss had me there as his glorified receptionist who maintained his dopey web site in exchange for the peanuts the company paid.

Since my current company had made it clear we would not be getting raises, bonuses, or holiday parties, I decided to check out the new job. In a word, it was: perfect.

But there was one problem. I felt GUILTY. Why? Because my current boss was also a good FRIEND who had told me he would always watch my back and make sure the Corporate Politics would not have a negative impact on me.

How could I alleviate my guilt? I thought all weekend about it and decided to talk to my current boss. After all, he had an OPEN DOOR policy and we would many a night share beers and stories about chicks and the like.

Flash forward to MONDAY.

I went in and told him I had a job offer, but I had not accepted it. I told him how much money it was, what the job was all about, and that it would be working for his competitor.

His unconcerned response was that I should do what is right for me. After all, as he puts it, nobody else will be watching out for you.

So I went to the new office on my lunch hour and accepted the position. After all, I don't want to be a male secretary/receptionist in his late 30s. NOTE: They told me I'd be their Market/Web Specialist, but they provided no tools for the job and were happy with me making coffee and answering phones. I hated it!

I came back and was asked right away what I decided to do. Like a fucking idiot I told him that I would take the job. He joked that I was FIRING HIM and he complained about how Corporate was going to cock-block him so he couldn't get someone else to make his lame-ass coffee for him. He was acting like he was sad and was saying stupid shit like we'd still be friends. As if he were breaking up with a girlfriend or something. PFFT!

Then, I told him that I thought it would be best if I gave two weeks' notice to help them train the new person. He says fine. I commented that I felt I owed him that much respect and I appreciate his opportunities, etc, blahblahblah.

After I have my work caught up for the afternoon, I decided to log onto eBay to see how my auctions were going. I had told the boss that I needed to sell stuff online to make ends meet with the recent 5% salary cuts and he said it was ok.

Then he gets his pretty pink panties in a rage and pushes my seat into the desk so I can't get out. He says: Hey, while you're on eBay I wanted to tell you that this is the main reason the work isn't getting done and if you want to be a FUCK-OFF then I suggest you go do it somewhere else or on your own time. His tone was violent and I thought he was going to cold-cock my ass.

That's right, he said I was a FUCK-OFF.

I pushed my chair away from my desk, stood up, and turned around so that I was right in his face. I reminded him that I was also posting eBay items for HIM (go-karts) and that I run to the store on my own gas without reimbursement or mileage. I get the office groceries and supplies on MY OWN TIME without overtime consideration. I work on his lame-ass WEBSITE at home without extra pay because the company won't pay for the software and they block FTP access. And THIS is how they thank me!

With 3 hours left in the day, I decided to wait it out. The clock TICK TOCK was long and dragged out.

They were having secret conversations and sneaking around. This is hard to do in an office the size of my 1-bedroom apartment.

TUESDAY: I spent an hour the next morning riding the bus to work and I got there 20 minutes early at 8:10. I saw two Porsches parked in front, which was strange because the guys never showed up before 10:00am. Plus, they had an 8:00 meeting with Corporate, so I didn't know what was happening.

They both came out of the building as I got close and blocked my way. They said they were FREAKED OUT that I was going to work with a competitor. Funny, they didn't seem freaked out when I first told them!

They said they were concerned that I would be selling their precious data to their competition. Then they threatened me with a lawsuit if they even thought I did, or if they saw any competition brokers in their neighborhood. I responded by telling them I'm not an idiot and that if I were a data-stealing, back-stabbing son-of-a-bitch I'd already have my real estate brokers license by now.

When it seemed we had things settled, the boss went to shake my hand. But I did not let go. Instead, I pulled his ear to me and I whispered this:

"I hope you show more respect to the next person you pay to wipe your rich ass for you."

He then told the other broker to take me half-way home (how nice of them) and drop me off for a thoughtful walk. In the privacy of his new Porsche, the partner broker made less ominous threats, but wanted to be intimidating.

That was Tuesday. Today (Friday) I found out that they had hired my new boss' secretary away from him as a TOUCHE of sorts. If I could give her one warning, it would be this:

If you are interviewing for a new job, do not tell them. If you are considering thinking about maybe taking a new job possibly down the road, do not tell them.

Most importantly, if you get a new job, do not let them know you accepted it. Do not give two weeks' notice. Instead, keep it to yourself. Enjoy the idea that you're going to burn a bridge, and burn it properly. Take pride in knowing that you are engaging in the same chicanery as the FUCKING SUITS who sign your paycheck. Then, when Monday comes around, make sure they find nothing but a resignation letter.

It's called EMPLOYMENT AT WILL and is standard in all employment contracts in the State of California.

To recap: I was considerate, I gave the boss a chance to counter, and I gave two weeks' notice. What did I get in return?

I got fucked in the ass. Royally.

This is why it pays to be a lying back-stabber. Be nice, decent, and tell the truth and you will get screwed every time. Next time I'll be quitting without warning!

Oh, and today (Friday) I got my final check and it's $125 short!! PFFT!!!

So here's a special PFFT! to those lame-ass monkey-fuckers. Fuck them! PFFT!!!!

Published: March 22, 2002
Editor: robin

All submissions remain the intellectual property of the author. Copying is prohibited unless permission is granted by the author.

All stories containing offensive language or content are classified as such. If you do not want to see this material, do not choose anything in the Offensive category. Read at your own risks. You have been warned.

Published by
All rights reserved.