April 4, 2004

English, Please!
   by DKline <>

I go to a dentist that is listed in my "benefits package." The few of you fellow Americans who might have jobs know exactly what I’m talking about. I pick a guy who has a name who seems like he speaks English.

I get there and everybody is from Romania or something. I figure that I’ll stay, since I need an emergency root canal surgery and don’t want to waste another 17 days trying to get service elsewhere.

The guy does a half-assed, fucked-up job in my mouth and they tell me in broken English that I "need make next visit time setup." I ask the guy, "What needs to be done next?" His response, "Advil work." Fuckin’ PFFT!

I then take the "Cue Ball Approach." That is, if you want to get more English out of it, you hit it harder. I slow down, "What… Needs… To … Be… Done… Next?" He pulls out a bottle of Advil and points at it! FUCK!

How do these people even get papers to work here legally? I don’t understand how any customer-service-based business can survive. Maybe they cater to Romanians only. Then again, they wouldn’t use a white man’s name as their business front if they did. Ever see a Romanian with nice teeth?

A few days go by and I am in pain. To get my mind off the throbbing jawbone, ear, tooth, and everything else within a 15-mile radius, I decide to program my cell phone’s web browser. When I try to set my email as the home page, the phone says the profile is locked. No problem, I’ll just call customer service, right?

The woman answering the phone speaks what could best be described as “Ebonics.” OK, I’m down with the shizzie, hizzie. My phizzie brizzie is on the blizzie. I’m thinking this sure as hell beats Romanian. But don’t get me wrong, the woman still sounded borderline retarded.

After every single statement, she had to ask, "You know what I'm sayin'?" Fuck, bitch, if you'd just say it in English, you wouldn't have to ask me that after every single thing you say! PFFT!

Just as you probably guessed, she was unable to help me with my problem and referred me to a “2nd Tier” associate. This is a person who knows more than the average person. One step above furniture with regard to intelligence. I talk to this woman, who speaks clear English (finally!). But, to my dismay, she cannot help me. I am now being referred to a “3rd Tier” associate.

Wow! A 3rd Tier associate. This person may actually be smarter than a house pet!!! As I listened to Milli Vanilli on hold, my mind spun with visions of a person who could actually converse with me about my problem. Even if they told me the browser settings could not be changed and I had to live with it, I’d feel good knowing the person understood what was going on.

My daydream was rudely interrupted by a man from India who barely spoke English. He sounded like his mouth was full of broken glass. The 2nd Tier associate claimed, before hanging up, that she explained everything to him and wished me luck. She may as well just told me to fuck off and hung up on me. I spent FIVE minutes on the phone with him and he couldn’t understand one word!

Like a moron, I wrote a complaint email to the company. They wrote back with antagonizing responses copied and pasted from the Customer Service Manual. I wrote them back, telling them these responses were no help, and I told them to stop writing back and stop antagonizing me.

Of course, they wrote back. Their response is below (the company name is censored to protect the stupid, but rhymes with "Pee Global"):

“We at *-****** strive to provide the utmost in excellence with regard to customer service. We are sorry to hear that your problem was not resolved. If it has not been resolved within 10 days, please let us know by clicking the link below. With regard to being ‘antagonizing,’ please let us know exactly how we are antagonizing you.”

Now I understand the definition of the word "strive." It means to "not give a fuck and plead innocent on the grounds of mental retardation."

They never did understand how they were frustrating me. At least the email was in English. Thank goodness for cut-and-paste technology.

To the American Customer Service Industry… A big, fat, fucking PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! PFT PFT PFT fucking PFT!!!!!! You fucking fucks! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Published: April 4, 2004
Editor: stacy

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