On the Job

May 7, 2004

When Good Printers Go Bad
   by jhyde

Never underestimate the power of the printer in your office. Printers can tell when you are in a hurry, are short on paper, haven't had enough sleep and if you've eaten lunch yet. They have pH meters on their buttons to determine if you've had too much caffeine. They measure the amount of stress in the room around them and malfunction accordingly. They stare at you blankly when you've queued up a document, run out of paper when the document finally spools up, and simultaneously spaz out after you've put paper in. They have the heart only to grieve you, and rejoice when they've succeeded.

Don't make one angry. A printer is capable of an enormous amount of vengeance. During their standby time they sputter and wiggle and contemplate malicious ways of taking revenge. You've seen those characters they randomly print out when the print fails? The little smiley faces, arrows, spades, hearts and squares? That is PRINTER CODE for how many ways the printer is plotting to destroy you. The number of smilies, oh yes, those little happy smiley faces, that is how much the printer will ENJOY causing you to suffer!

I know this all sounds a bit far-fetched. If you'd just watch your printer carefully for these three signs:

  1. Printer grabs 17 sheets of paper for a single print. This minor annoyance at first seems innocent but it is merely the beginning.
  2. Printer lights blink even after you've canceled the document and turned it on and off a couple times. It knows your desperation. It is merely trying your patience. Wait it out and don't let it know you are afraid.
  3. No matter how many times you cancel the document by force it never clears out of the que. This means that it is saving the document for future black mail. Scan the document for any secret information, such as your credit card number then check your phone bill for calls to Jamaica.

Oh yes, and one more thing, when your printer is acting up and cursing, threats and destructive attempts don't seem to work, contact the customer service peeps who will tell you in agonizing broken English that Advil will solve all your problems.

Published: May 7, 2004
Editor: stacy

All submissions remain the intellectual property of the author. Copying is prohibited unless permission is granted by the author.

All stories containing offensive language or content are classified as such. If you do not want to see this material, do not choose anything in the Offensive category. Read at your own risks. You have been warned.

Published by
All rights reserved.