February 13, 2006

This is about as personal as it GETS ...
   by AzureSkyy <>

This is a copy of an email I sent my mother, just 15 minutes ago ... It's compiled of a letter-ish thing I wrote her personally before sending the mail, and several instant-messages between myself and some of my close friends ... Read at your discretion. I dont know WHY I'm posting it here, and trusting you all with it ... But I really don't know what else to do with myself anymore. Here it goes.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

... You took away my phone, cutting me off from some of the people that I cherish most ... Cutting me off from alot of the people that I have to end up helping through something or another nearly every day ... All those night phonecalls? Comforting Haylee. The morning ones? Checking up on Leah to see if she's still alive after all the family fights, divorce, and cancer-boutes. The afternoon ones? calling Holly, to cry and find someone to tell my troubles to during my lunch hour ... It's hard enough to survive things like what I'm showing you down below, without Dad being an asshole, you being unsupportive and unsympathetic, even if you dont know a shred of what's going on in my life...And despite those facts, you both still tell me "You can come to me with anything" and I just dont trust you anymore ... You, because you assume everything's hunky dory until I come crying into your lap because you've made the hurt worse by taking things away, and dad because ... I dont trust him, a single bit, and he never helps, only gets me angry, and takes things away again ...! I just... I can't win ... The blows keep on coming, the daggers keep poking through my back, only to find my heart... I can't take on a JOB! I'd collapse, or cry, or go postal on somebody ... And sports ..? ... I'm honest when I told you I'm just not good enough, and to jump in now, would be infinitely worse, and ... God, mother ... Those people are some of the worst people in school ... Everyone smokes, whether it's pot, cigerettes, both, and drinks, everything under the sun that I just dont feel like messing with ... That, and I can't stnad them just as people, without all the crap fucking with their bodies ... Grades ... I'll do my grades how I do them ... They're not spectacular, because I'm ... Completely and utterly emotionally driven ... My childhood's been stolen from me, and tainted, my once-best friend is dating the woman I loved, and still love, and can't get over for the life of me ... With all that's happened to me, and with her ... There's atleast three different things that went on between us without even Brian in the picture that would cripple a lesser man for life ... Asking me to have phenominal grades when my heart isnt in it, my talent is ebbing (I've wrriten maybe 3 creative things in the last 6 months ...) and when school is just simply -harder-, is ... Not fair, in any way imaginable ... I can't do it anymore ... I just .. Can't. Life means so little to me, lately ... It feels like I just live each day to be passively tormented by Emma, because I promised to be her friend (I keep my promises) and it hurts to be near her ... And Brian keeps trying to become friends again ... All I ask, is for sympathy, and a little freaking help ... Not directly ... Because I dont believe there's anything you, or dad, or the psychiatrist, or the GODDAMN pills they tried three dozen times to get me to take home, can help ... I'm left alone, to work the politics in my own little world. Help me out, stop taking critical things to my sanity and well-being away, at critical times ... I need you, indirectly, so badly, mother. Please. I'm dying inside up here, every freaking day. Now ... Read. This, is why I was so pissed, depressed, and so many more things... hear me out... Because I've meant every word, and always have ... Read on ... And if you love me, then, please ... Dont stop reading til the end, look back on it, and tell me that I'm not doing a hell of a job with the fucked-up life I've got ...

| Session Start: Saturday, February 11, 2006                         |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    ...roken Day] - Happy Birthday Mum. ( |
|    ~*Brian*~ (Happy Birthday Cristina!!) (    |
[07:00:08 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: didn't see curious george, it was sold
              out. lol
[07:00:24 PM] One Time (Al: Heh. Darn.
[07:00:40 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: saw Final Destination 3 instead, while the
              rest of the group was in George
[07:00:46 PM] One Time (Al: mm.
[07:01:05 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: that movie ruins certain things for you
[07:01:09 PM] One Time (Al: ..?
[07:01:27 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: have you seen any of the Final
[07:03:14 PM] One Time (Al: Yes.
[07:03:17 PM] One Time (Al: I  II.
[07:03:41 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: yeah, like for instance the 2nd one ruins
              logging trucks. lol
[07:03:57 PM] One Time (Al: Naw.
[07:04:15 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: this one ruins roller coasters, and
              tanning beds, and nail guns, and etc.. lol
[07:05:02 PM] One Time (Al: -.-;
[07:05:12 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lol. "multi faceted"
[07:05:15 PM] One Time (Al: Heh.
[07:05:27 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: I'm surprised I remember that, I was so
              out of it
[07:05:31 PM] One Time (Al: *shrugs*
[07:05:38 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lol yup
[07:05:57 PM] One Time (Al: Whatcha up to.
[07:06:11 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: just chillin right now, I just got home
              from Cristina's. 
[07:06:30 PM] One Time (Al: Mmm.
[07:06:36 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: hoppin on the 'ol myspace
[07:07:51 PM] One Time (Al: Yup.
[07:08:38 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: nice! a buddy that I graduated with just
              added me as a friend. I've only seen him once since
              grad, at his wedding, lol. he's in the air force and out
              in delaware now
[07:09:12 PM] One Time (Al: Mmm.
[07:09:30 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: yup. what are you up to
[07:10:32 PM] One Time (Al: Not alot.
[07:10:43 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: thats.. fun?
[07:11:14 PM] One Time (Al: Uh huh.
[07:11:38 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lol
[07:12:20 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: you're not too big of a myspace junkie,
              are you?
[07:13:25 PM] One Time (Al: ..No.
[07:14:05 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: you're like the only one on the planer
[07:14:07 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: *planet
[07:14:59 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: have you heard Panic! At The Disco at
[07:15:06 PM] One Time (Al: Nope.
[07:15:30 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: good stuff.. rather similar to Fall Out
              Boy, if you're familiar with them at all.
[07:15:44 PM] One Time (Al: A little. But aside from maybe 2 songs, I
              dont like them much.
[07:16:24 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lol, lemme guess.. Sugar, we're going
              down, and Dance, Dance
[07:17:04 PM] One Time (Al: Havent heard Dance, Dance.
[07:17:11 PM] One Time (Al: I dont remember the name of the other
[07:17:36 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: they're both hugely radio and mtv friendly
              songs at the moment
[07:17:51 PM] One Time (Al: Mmm.
[07:18:13 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: damn mtv.. I got glued to it when we
              didn't have the net forever
[07:21:06 PM] One Time (Al: Heh.
[07:29:09 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: blah. I've talked to all of my ex's but
              one in the last week
[07:29:17 PM] One Time (Al: =_=
[07:29:43 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: did like the world hear i'm single or
              something? lol
[07:29:53 PM] One Time (Al: =\ I guess they did.
[07:30:25 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lolz.
[07:30:54 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: i'll still have to get that movie to you
[07:30:55 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: *too
[07:31:08 PM] One Time (Al: Yup.
[07:43:05 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: do anything fun with ma for her bday?
[07:43:46 PM] One Time (Al: Went to dinner, and she left from there
              straight to a Partylitee candle thing. =T
[07:44:02 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: lol
[07:44:42 PM] One Time (Al: ...Uh huh.
[07:45:05 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: |-)
[08:09:58 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: blah, whats up
[08:10:19 PM] One Time (Al: Playing WoW with Zach.
[08:10:33 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: huh, thats cool. I'm so bored.
[08:10:36 PM] One Time (Al: =_=
[08:10:37 PM] One Time (Al: Yeah.
[08:10:58 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: my plans got changed, so now i'm just,
              yeah. lol
[08:11:31 PM] One Time (Al: Plans?
[08:11:44 PM] One Time (Al: Who'd you have plans with lol.
[08:12:07 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: a girl I met a while back, we were
              supposed to go bowling, but she never got back to me
[08:12:18 PM] One Time (Al: Ah.
[08:12:52 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: yup..
[08:13:53 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: plans with chicks never turn out how you
              want. lol
[08:14:00 PM] One Time (Al: Lol. Amen.
[08:14:29 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: no kiddin
[08:33:25 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: i'm losing my freaking mind. lol
[08:33:36 PM] One Time (Al: How come?
[08:33:55 PM] ~*Brian*~ (H: ?
[08:34:15 PM] * ~*Brian*~ (Happy Birthday Cristina!!) has changed
              his/her name to ~*Brian*~
[08:34:58 PM] ~*Brian*~: it said you were typing more, so I was
              wondering what else you were gonna say, lol
[08:35:07 PM] One Time (Al: Lol?
[08:35:09 PM] One Time (Al:
[08:35:22 PM] ~*Brian*~: don't ask.. lol
[08:35:29 PM] One Time (Al: . . . Right.
[08:35:42 PM] ~*Brian*~: but, i'm losing my mind out of boredom
[08:36:55 PM] ~*Brian*~: i'm getting tempted to run that movie up to
              you based off of nothing else to do, lol
[08:37:35 PM] One Time (Al: xD
[08:37:41 PM] One Time (Al: 722 Clay Street.
[08:37:45 PM] ~*Brian*~: no kidding. lol. 
[08:37:57 PM] ~*Brian*~: I've only been in that house 7 and a half
              million times. lol
[08:38:03 PM] One Time (Al: ;)
[08:38:25 PM] ~*Brian*~: would you care? we haven't hung out in
              forever, so
[08:38:57 PM] One Time (Al: Uhm ... I dunno what we'd -do-, but
[08:39:17 PM] ~*Brian*~: lol, the usual.. sit around, bs, etc.. it's
              what we're best at.
[08:40:05 PM] One Time (Al: Guesso.
[08:40:25 PM] ~*Brian*~: is mom as big on the curfew thing as dad is?
[08:40:45 PM] One Time (Al: Not anywhere near it.
[08:40:48 PM] One Time (Al: Besides, she's not home.
[08:41:09 PM] ~*Brian*~: oh alright. maybe I shall do that then.
              (horrible english)
[08:41:16 PM] One Time (Al: Lol. okay.
[08:41:26 PM] ~*Brian*~: English so bad it hurts, lol
[08:41:37 PM] One Time (Al: ...Like daggers.
[08:41:47 PM] ~*Brian*~: yup. right in the appendix
[08:42:26 PM] One Time (Al: =_=
[08:43:17 PM] ~*Brian*~: lol, i'll get the movie and head up in a sec.
              have any working doorbell or door preference that I go
[08:44:51 PM] One Time (Al: Uhm ... Just pop in the front.
[08:45:06 PM] ~*Brian*~: like pop in, walk in?
[08:45:11 PM] One Time (Al: Chya.
[08:45:23 PM] ~*Brian*~: okey, lol. you upstairs?
[08:46:14 PM] One Time (Al: Proly? Gonna try finishing a quest
              withZach before you get here, haha, otherwise I'll be
              downstairs and wait for you or something.
[08:46:23 PM] ~*Brian*~: ok sounds good, see ya in a couple
[08:46:52 PM] * ~*Brian*~ is now Offline

| Session Start: Sunday, February 12, 2006                           |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    Scary.. (                             |
|    ~*Brian*~ (                                |
[10:14:04 AM] ~*Brian*~: top
[10:14:06 AM] ~*Brian*~: o the mornin
[10:47:22 AM] ~*Brian*~: we need to talk, and just get it out of the
              way I think..

| Session Start: Sunday, February 12, 2006                           |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    ... away, come again another day .. ( |
|    B-rian (                                   |
[09:12:28 PM] B-rian: ...hello
[09:12:35 PM] Rain, rain, : ...Hi.
[09:12:59 PM] * Rain, rain, go away, come again another day .. is now
[09:13:02 PM] B-rian: blah blah blah, how are things?
[09:13:20 PM] * Rain, rain, go away, come again another day .. is now
[09:13:26 PM] Rain, rain, : Shitty.
[09:13:37 PM] B-rian: sorry man, truthfully.
[09:13:40 PM] Rain, rain, : Uh huh.
[09:14:21 PM] B-rian: I know you probably hate my guts and so on right
              now, and i'm willing to accept that.
[09:14:49 PM] Rain, rain, : ...Cut the therapist-talk. I can't stand
              it. Really. Talk like a normal person. Please. It
              reminds me of my dad.
[09:15:22 PM] B-rian: what do you mean?
[09:15:38 PM] * B-rian has changed his/her name to ~*Brian*~
[09:15:39 PM] Rain, rain, : "And I'm willing to accept that". Please.
              Dont do that. I feel like I'm arguing with my father.
[09:15:51 PM] ~*Brian*~: oh, sorry. unintentional.
[09:15:54 PM] Rain, rain, : ...
[09:15:57 PM] Rain, rain, : Anywho.
[09:16:09 PM] ~*Brian*~: *shrugs* I dunno what arguing with your pa is
[09:16:17 PM] Rain, rain, : ..He doesnt matter, right now.
[09:16:29 PM] Rain, rain, : It's just us kiddies.
[09:16:30 PM] ~*Brian*~: ture
[09:16:31 PM] ~*Brian*~: *true
[09:18:02 PM] ~*Brian*~: what I meant this morning though, when I said
              we might as well get the talking out of the way, is that
              I'm not gonna play dumb and act like you don't know
              anything or any crap like that, so I wanted to cut
              through all the crap and get it out of the way, and
              hopefully possibly continue a friendship thats lasted
[09:19:20 PM] Rain, rain, : ... How many times've you had her over?
              Knowing how I still felt about her? Not like it means
              anything, but I'm pretty sure you dont date your best
              friend's (At least at one time.) ex that he's still in
              love with. You know, unwritten rule, strike a bell?
[09:20:38 PM] ~*Brian*~: ...I know, and i'm sure you've heard it from
              her, but this wasn't like an intended thing or
              anything.. hell, I didn't even know you were with her at
              all, until after you had told me that you and her were
              broken up already.
[09:21:08 PM] Rain, rain, : ... This isnt even RECENT?!
[09:21:27 PM] ~*Brian*~: what do you mean?
[09:21:31 PM] Rain, rain, : No, she doesnt like to tell me too too
              much anymore.She told me she had feelings for you, and
              that she thought you probably liked her. That's all.
[09:22:07 PM] Rain, rain, : ...How long've you been .. I dont even
              know what the hell the phrase would be. How long've you
              been thinking about being with her.
[09:22:59 PM] ~*Brian*~: we've only been talking and such for like, a
              week, maybe week and a half tops. Trust me completely
              when I say that nothing was going on before or when you
              were with her.
[09:23:51 PM] Rain, rain, : Somehow I dont believe you anymore.
[09:24:22 PM] ~*Brian*~: I swear on my fathers grave man, nothing was
              going on before or during you were with her. I'm stone
              cold serious here.
[09:26:42 PM] Rain, rain, : ... But you were thinking about it,
              subtely working toward it, hmm? Become friends first,
              then, hey, she's pretty cool, maybe maybe ... I'll wait
              a month, til my friend 'gets over it', then I'll start
              on it. Oh, what's another week, I'm impatient.
[09:26:50 PM] Rain, rain, : Running out of time and all, arentcha.
[09:27:26 PM] ~*Brian*~: there were no thoughts at all on my behalf
              about anything like that when you were with her. none. 
[09:28:06 PM] Rain, rain, : ...
[09:28:24 PM] Rain, rain, : I'm just too fucking pissed for words,
              Brian. You dont even know.
[09:28:56 PM] ~*Brian*~: you have the right to be, thats why I'm being
              straight honest with you, and talking to you about it
              like a man.
[09:30:42 PM] Rain, rain, : I can't be mad at her. It's just not even
              in me to really try. I can be hurt, and disappointed,
              and sad, and scared, and maybe a little
              injusticed-feeling, but not mad. I can't do it. It's you
              I'm pissed at, you I dont trust, and ... How could you
              even do this to me, then ask me to be friends again? How
              do you have a friendship, when I have to have this over
              my head when I talk to you...? Even, later in life. "Oh,
              remember that one time? Yeah. I still flinch to look at
              you. So, how's your day been?"
[09:32:22 PM] ~*Brian*~: I'm not going to argue with your point when
              you're in the right about it, all I can do is sit here
              and be honest with you about it. 
[09:32:22 PM] Rain, rain, : It'd be nice to be friends with you.
              You're a pretty cool person. You've got good taste in
              music. We shared a fucking childhood together, and
              frequently reminisc for chrissake.
[09:32:47 PM] ~*Brian*~: exactly.
[09:32:56 PM] ~*Brian*~: for the latter half at least.
[09:33:32 PM] Rain, rain, : ... So what're you going to do. Stay with
              her, until the military takes you away? Have a.. A what,
              a fling, just for fun thing? Or fall in love with her,
              and then be like "Damn, sorry babe, gotta go kick some
              ass for the country, I'll -write you-!?"
[09:33:35 PM] ~*Brian*~: you were like a brother, man. thats why i'm
              standing my ground and talking to you about this. you
              deserve that much respect.
[09:35:13 PM] ~*Brian*~: and I don't honestly know whats going to
              happen in the future. too many relationships that i've
              been in have been ruined talking about the future. we're
              only worrying about the present, and we're both well
              aware of the fact that i'm leaving and so on.
[09:35:20 PM] Rain, rain, : ...This isnt about respect, and you know
              it. This is about you pulling a shitty thing on a fallen
              man, now self-labeled as a brother. It's about hurt
              feelings, and setting them aside because nobody wants to
              look at that. It's about the girl both of us want, and
              both of us know I can't have, because I fucked up, most
              of it actually after-the-fact.
[09:37:21 PM] Rain, rain, : And now you've got a good thing going on
              because of it. She's lonely. She wants somebody to love.
              She's always been that way, she's wanted a hand to hold,
              someone to comfort her, for so long ... You should have
              seen her before I helped her out of little bits of it,
              Brian. Everyone, everybody, could see the changes.
[09:37:51 PM] ~*Brian*~: what changes do you mean?
[09:39:54 PM] Rain, rain, : You found a good thing, because I poured
              my heart and soul into helping her show herself, the
              person i saw in the shell, under the cover she'd been
              hiding under. She's not timid, like she used to be.
              She's not as scared as she used to be. She's so much
              more, but it was there if you wanted to look hard
              enough. I saw it. And helped her come out from hiding.
              And now you see it. You've found a good thing, but only
              after I helped her find parts of herself.
[09:40:47 PM] ~*Brian*~: and I won't take that away from you, you
              probably did do that, I didn't know her before then
[09:43:29 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I dont even know what I'm saying
              anymore. I had a good reason, for that whole speech ...
              But the reason's gone, and I come off as a jackass. An
              arrogant possessive jackass. Oh, the joy. This just
              going soooo well ...
[09:45:54 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I'd love to just say "You know, what
              the hell. date her. We'll be friends. She's a big girl,
              she can take care of herself. I'll be friends with her,
              too. We'll all just be dandy." But I can't. Been crushed
              too many times, and it's just too goddamn hard to stand
              up and hold my chin up off the ground. I won't let you
              break her heart. And I wont let you leave her standing
              in the wind, waiting on a cliff's edge, waiting, for
              you, to come riding back to the US in a boat. If she
              loves you, falls hard, and keeps falling, she'll wait.
              For a long, long time.
[09:47:12 PM] ~*Brian*~: I have absolutely NO intent of hurting her,
              that much I swear to you.
[09:47:46 PM] ~*Brian*~: yes, people might call me an asshole, for due
              reason, but there isn't a thing in this world that could
              make me intentionally hurt this girl.
[09:48:18 PM] Rain, rain, : .. I can't do anything here. And you two
              keep giving me options that dont exist, because no
              matter what I say, no matter what I do, I still dont
              really matter here.
[09:48:34 PM] ~*Brian*~: not only would hurting her be unfair to her,
              it would be unfair to you as well, in a way.
[09:48:37 PM] Rain, rain, : ... Brian, I hope to hell and back, that
              you mean that. Every word of that.
[09:49:15 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I dont give a fuck if it's "unfair",
              because thing sbeing unfair doesnt, and never has,
              stopped people from doing much of anything. It better
              mean more to you than Fairness, Brian.
[09:49:37 PM] ~*Brian*~: of course it does.
[09:50:21 PM] ~*Brian*~: what I care about most is making this girl as
              happy as possible, and I see the potential in myself to
              do that job damned well. She's a great girl, and she
              deserves that.
[09:50:57 PM] ~*Brian*~: I'm not doing it to get you pissed off or
              anything, i'm not capitilizing on any downfall you may
              have had with her, hell, I don't even want to know what
              went wrong between you and her.
[09:51:37 PM] ~*Brian*~: All I know is that this girl cares a lot
              about me, and there isn't a chance in hell that I'm
              going to take that for granted or ruin that.
[09:52:58 PM] ~*Brian*~: if I were to intentionally hurt her, I would
              stand there with my arms and let you take the punch.
              completely honestly, man.
[09:53:04 PM] ~*Brian*~: *arms at my side*
[09:56:43 PM] Rain, rain, : ... If you hurt her, and let me take a
              punch, Brian, I wouldnt be able to promise you, or her,
              or me, that I'd stop swinging. So just don't do it. Emma
              means more to me than any person I've ever known, more
              to me than growing up with you, more to me than my
              mother, my father, my family my friends. And I can't
              even make eye contact with her on most days. I can't
              think about her without growing cold at the fingertips,
              and tears growing in the lower corners of my eyes. Don't
              ever hurt her. Help her. Always.
[09:57:13 PM] ~*Brian*~: I swear it.
[09:58:48 PM] Rain, rain, : Whether or not she tells you she needs
              you. Because she wont tell you. Until, or unless, it is
              really, really hard for her. You need to be able to
              tell. And most times, even that's not enough. You need
              to be superhuman. And before you take on the job, you'd
              sure as hell better know what it means to be near and
              dear to her heart, and be able to keep her next to
              your's, and in your thoughts, and close at hand.
[09:59:26 PM] ~*Brian*~: she's already said more than enough to me to
              keep her there.
[10:00:08 PM] ~*Brian*~: I don't take one loving thing that she says
              for granted, because I can tell she is very guarded
              person, and doesn't open up very easily, yet for some
              reason with me, she seems to open up fairly easily.
[10:01:33 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I hope you know how much what you're
              saying is supposed to mean. Because it's not just being
              guarded with her. It's on a whole new, mysterious level.
              She's no ordinary girl, no combination of any other
[10:01:48 PM] ~*Brian*~: I know that already by far,
[10:01:51 PM] ~*Brian*~: *.
[10:01:57 PM] Rain, rain, : I dont think you do. But okay.
[10:02:25 PM] ~*Brian*~: I don't take her comfortable-ness with me for
              granted, thats for sure as hell a fact.
[10:03:29 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I'm not saying you do. I'm just
              saying, that I think you both underestimate, and
              overestimate her. By so much.
[10:03:47 PM] ~*Brian*~: how do you think I overestimate her?
[10:04:03 PM] Rain, rain, : ... You ask that, over the underestimation
[10:04:30 PM] ~*Brian*~: well I have more of a grasp on the
              underestimation I think.. I dunno.. *shrugs*
[10:04:35 PM] ~*Brian*~: explain both then, I dunno?
[10:05:54 PM] Rain, rain, : ... Because. She's better at hiding, than
              any person I've ever known. She's better at pretending,
              better at everything. You can't open her mind, heart,
              emotions, uness she wants them opened. Completely.
              You'll do more harm than help if you push it, you'll
              hurt the both of you, even if she says she appreciates
              it that you try.
[10:06:35 PM] ~*Brian*~: I never push a person to open up. I wait for
              them to feel comfortable enough with me to.
[10:07:00 PM] Rain, rain, : ... And even yet? Don't dismiss a thing.
[10:07:01 PM] ~*Brian*~: All I can do is be there for that person, and
              make sure they know that I am there completely.
[10:07:19 PM] ~*Brian*~: what do you mean?
[10:08:49 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I can't put everything into words...
              Even what I've been able to say? Doesn't do much justice
              to anything at all, and there's so much more to
[10:09:05 PM] ~*Brian*~: of course
[10:12:42 PM] ~*Brian*~: All that I've said has been complete honesty,
              and from the bottom of my heart. I know you don't like
              me probably, and I don't expect you to, but I at least
              ask you to respect that.
[10:13:22 PM] Rain, rain, : ... How much time've you spent with her? I
              just .. It makes me really curious, that you seem to
              have strong conviction when you say things like "I don't
              take her comfortable-ness with me for granted, thats for
              sure as hell a fact." and "she's already said more than
              enough to me to keep her there." and "I don't take one
              loving thing that she says for granted" ... I just have
              to wonder at you.
[10:13:49 PM] ~*Brian*~: we've been together.. 4 times? and talked
              online for hours and hours.
[10:13:55 PM] Rain, rain, : Well, not strong conviction, but that you
              believe firmly that that's how she is between you.
[10:16:05 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I dunno. I can't say much, because I
              was about to say that that doesnt mean alot, but .. I
              believe in the phrase "A day can last a lifetime, and
              lifetimes can happen in a single day.", but ... It just
              makes me sad, but hopeful, doubtful, and ... I dunno ..
[10:16:29 PM] ~*Brian*~: what do you mean by the hopeful doubtful,
              etc.. thing?
[10:17:47 PM] Rain, rain, : ... Hoping that it's really as strong as
              you feel it is, doubtful that it is that way, and ... It
              just ... I dunno. It's odd ... It just ... It's odd.
[10:19:10 PM] Rain, rain, : ... Have you been shwing her all this?
[10:19:25 PM] ~*Brian*~: well, I can give you kind of an example of
              her feelings and comfortable ness with me, if you
[10:19:46 PM] Rain, rain, : ... I'd ...I'd really rather not, but ..
              Gah .. Yes, I'd like to see.
[10:20:08 PM] ~*Brian*~: well, it's not seeing, it's just citing
[10:20:25 PM] Rain, rain, : ...bad diction. Whatever.Cite away.
[10:20:31 PM] ~*Brian*~: lol. sorry
[10:21:21 PM] ~*Brian*~: but anyways, the second time she was over,
              she was comfortable enough to have her arms exposed,
              which I know is an absolute HUGE thing for her to be
              comfortable with around someone, if thats an indication
              of anything, or if you can understand what that means..
[10:22:48 PM] Rain, rain, : ... It doesnt mean quite as much as it
              would have before ... Before ..? It would have been an
              -extreme- show of trust and comfort ... But she's trying
              to get out of it ... She's been wearing short-sleeves
              and such for a few weeks, maybe a month or a little
              more. She wore a skirt for Halloween, and another one
              without hose even 3 weeks ago.
[10:23:24 PM] Rain, rain, : And almost bought a bathing suit when she
              was shopping for the skirt.
[10:23:32 PM] ~*Brian*~: well, it meant a lot to me at least.
[10:23:37 PM] Rain, rain, : *nods*
[10:24:34 PM] Rain, rain, : I'm glad, for that atleast, that you saw
              it for how it could've been ... But I'm not sure you
              knew it's true value to begin with ... Check out her old
              journals, someday, from 2003-2004 ...
[10:24:59 PM] Rain, rain, : And early-ish '05, as well.
[10:25:31 PM] ~*Brian*~: she's told me about that..
[10:26:19 PM] Rain, rain, : ... She leaves alot out, when she talks
              about it.
[10:26:32 PM] ~*Brian*~: I assumed that already.
[10:27:11 PM] ~*Brian*~: I obviously have a long way to go, and a lot
              to learn.. I can't know everything there is to know
              about a girl in a week and a half.. Even i'm not that
              good. (bad time for a joke, but nonetheless, it's me..)
[10:27:30 PM] Rain, rain, : *frowns* Yes, it was a terrible time for a
              joke ...
[10:27:55 PM] ~*Brian*~: i'm good for that
[10:28:06 PM] Rain, rain, : .. It's not a journey, and there are no
              goals, Bri.
[10:28:31 PM] ~*Brian*~: I know.
[10:28:50 PM] Rain, rain, : And it's not an apprenticeship. There's
              nothing to master.
[10:29:16 PM] ~*Brian*~: good analogy, and I know that as well.
[10:31:21 PM] ~*Brian*~: all I can do is be the most supporting,
              caring, loving person imaginable for her, and always be
              there for her. 
[10:32:55 PM] * Rain, rain, go away, come again another day .. has
              changed his/her name to ... There are worlds, hiding
              behind words, and words with worls within ...
[10:33:06 PM] ... There ar: ^    Always know that.
[10:33:28 PM] ~*Brian*~: of course.
[10:33:40 PM] ... There ar: I'll let you go ... You've probably been
              wanting to stop talking for a long time.
[10:34:08 PM] ~*Brian*~: no, not at all. if you want to stop, thats up
              to you, but I'm not in any rush.
[10:35:15 PM] ... There ar: Toodles.
[10:35:37 PM] ~*Brian*~: Can I ask one simple yes or no question first
[10:35:45 PM] ... There ar: Shoot.
[10:35:55 PM] ~*Brian*~: Do you hate me?
[10:37:21 PM] ... There ar: ..No.
[10:38:04 PM] ~*Brian*~: okay, good. I'm pleased about that at least.
              I hope we can get back what we had at one point
[10:38:53 PM] ... There ar: Maybe.
              I don't forget things that matter.
              But maybe.
[10:40:33 PM] ~*Brian*~: I can't expect you to rush back or anything
              obviously, all I can do is extend the invitation of the
              friendship we had, and hope you gradually accept it.
[10:41:49 PM] ... There ar: ... If I do accept it, Brian, it wont be
              gradually, and it wont be the same. That's just lying to
              yourself, in pieces. It'll be different, but it'll be
[10:42:35 PM] ~*Brian*~: hmn..
[10:44:57 PM] ~*Brian*~: I respect your willingness to talk to me
              about this, given the current circumstances and the
              issue at hand.
[10:45:22 PM] ... There ar: ... You're doing it again.
[10:45:53 PM] ~*Brian*~: the dad thing?
[10:46:46 PM] ... There ar: Not just that it's a Dad thing, but that
              you're making everything clear-cut, cordial, tasteless,
              and cold-calculated.
[10:47:04 PM] ~*Brian*~: wow, i'm not even gonna pretend like I
              understand what you mean.
[10:47:42 PM] ... There ar: *sighs, frowns deeply* I know.

| Session Start: Sunday, February 12, 2006                           |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    ... and words with worls within ... ( |
|    ...n't love you like I love you... ( |
[10:35:24 PM] ... There ar: ...Hey.
[10:35:36 PM] They don't l: hi
[10:36:49 PM] They don't l: how're you doing?
[10:37:07 PM] ... There ar: ...Ha... I dont even know.
[10:37:11 PM] They don't l: yeah..
[10:37:15 PM] They don't l: do you wnat to talk?
[10:37:49 PM] ... There ar: ... I'm not sure exactly what parts to
              talk about, but, I think it'd be nice ...
[10:37:58 PM] They don't l: *nods* yeah..
[10:38:05 PM] They don't l: is there anythign you'd like to know?
[10:38:06 PM] ... There ar: You lead it where you want to go ..
[10:38:59 PM] They don't l: do you think i ever cheated on you?
[10:40:47 PM] ... There ar: ... It feels like it. Felt that way often,
              when yu'd be with Laura ... More of a vague way, with
              Brian ... But no. I dont think you ever actually did
              anything to be called cheating.
[10:41:38 PM] They don't l: okay..*nods* thats good. i just.. wnat you
              to always know that i didn't.
[10:41:51 PM] They don't l: and i mean that complete. and i hope you
              believe me on that
[10:42:03 PM] ... There ar: I do.
[10:42:11 PM] They don't l: thank you for that
[10:42:16 PM] ... There ar: *nods*
[10:42:25 PM] They don't l: is there anythign that you would liek to
              know tho?
[10:42:52 PM] ... There ar: Has he been showing you bits of the
[10:43:13 PM] They don't l: a lil' not too much really tho.
[10:43:16 PM] ... There ar: Just, yes/no and what bits. I kinda hope
              he's been atleast a little.
[10:44:28 PM] They don't l: he really kinda hasn't to be completley
[10:44:29 PM] They don't l: so no
[10:44:38 PM] ... There ar: ...What do you mean?
[10:44:48 PM] ... There ar: Oh, nevermind. x.x
[10:45:11 PM] ... There ar: Thought you said "he really hasnt kinda
              BEEN completely honest" and... Yeah, nevermind, lol..
[10:45:40 PM] They don't l: lol yeah
[10:45:59 PM] ... There ar: Uhm ... Gah. Wish you could just read the
              whole thing, but that'd take -forever- ... 
[10:46:19 PM] They don't l: i'm sorry..
[10:46:25 PM] They don't l: do you want to send ti or soemthing?
[10:46:34 PM] They don't l: or do you want me to get him to send it?
[10:47:11 PM] ... There ar: Uhm ... Here. I'll just send it myself
[10:47:16 PM] They don't l: okay
[10:47:31 PM] ... There ar: I hate to make you read for so long, and
              regret that we can't talk while you're reading ..
[10:47:51 PM] They don't l: its okay hon.. not a big deal.
[10:47:53 PM] They don't l: i have all night
[10:48:12 PM] ... There ar: ... I suppose you should still ask him if
              he wants you to see it tho.
[10:49:27 PM] They don't l: okay. i will. tho i'm pretty sure its
              completely fine
[10:49:44 PM] They don't l: yeah.. its fine
[10:49:47 PM] They don't l: send away
[10:49:49 PM] ... There ar: Sec.
[10:50:01 PM] They don't l: okay
[10:50:05 PM] ... There ar: .. I feel I should show you a few older
              ones, too.. Small excerpts is all.
[10:50:11 PM] They don't l: ok
[10:50:15 PM] They don't l: thats fine
[10:51:43 PM] ... There ar: Might take a bit. =(
[10:52:28 PM] They don't l: its okay. .take your time, matt
[10:54:03 PM] ... There ar: ...Gah. The other convo I wanted to show
              you got lost with my old harddrive ...
[10:54:17 PM] ... There ar: Hopefully, it's meaningless now, though
[10:54:33 PM] They don't l: okay..
[10:56:22 PM] ... There ar: Oh ... Sorry. Didnt realize there was a
              bunch of fluff (Useless stuff) at the start there ..
[10:57:00 PM] ... There ar: haha ... Scratch that. Sorry.
[10:57:11 PM] ... There ar: Was looking at the wrong file ... I sent
              what I intended.
[11:00:05 PM] They don't l: oh. .okay..
[11:00:07 PM] They don't l: i'll get to it
[11:00:12 PM] ... There ar: ...?
[11:00:33 PM] They don't l: okay
[11:00:54 PM] ... There ar: Reading, now?
[11:02:21 PM] They don't l: yeah
[11:15:41 PM] ... There ar: Almost done?
[11:15:58 PM] * ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worls within ... has changed his/her name to ...
              There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words with
              worlds within ...
[11:16:31 PM] They don't l: don
[11:16:33 PM] They don't l: e
[11:16:38 PM] ... There ar: Mmm ...
[11:17:29 PM] ... There ar: What do you think.
[11:17:40 PM] They don't l: um. i creid
[11:18:11 PM] ... There ar: I'm sorry ...
[11:18:41 PM] ... There ar: But ... All that needed to be said ... I
              really hadnt intended to show much of it to you,
              especially ... The things at the top.
[11:18:43 PM] They don't l: no.. its okay
[11:18:55 PM] They don't l: i know.. its okay tho, i swear
[11:19:10 PM] ... There ar: ... Okay's not always a good thing ...
[11:19:14 PM] ... There ar: But alright ..
[11:20:05 PM] They don't l: yeah..
[11:20:12 PM] They don't l: soryr. i'm not sure hwat to say
[11:20:19 PM] ... There ar: Me either ...
[11:20:47 PM] ... There ar: ... -Are- you really the way he keeps
              saying you are, when you're with/talking to, him ...?
[11:21:07 PM] They don't l: that i'm completely open and comfortable?
[11:21:12 PM] ... There ar: Haha .. Yeah.
[11:21:16 PM] They don't l: or that i have really strong feelings for
[11:21:22 PM] ... There ar: ...That too.
[11:21:25 PM] They don't l: yes.
[11:21:36 PM] ... There ar: I see.
[11:21:52 PM] They don't l: yeah.
[11:21:53 PM] They don't l: i'm sorry.
[11:22:01 PM] ... There ar: Dont be sorry ..
[11:22:06 PM] They don't l: i hate the fact that i'm hurting you like
[11:22:08 PM] They don't l: i can't help it.
[11:22:14 PM] They don't l: i don't want it
[11:22:17 PM] They don't l: i never have
[11:22:32 PM] ... There ar: That's an amazing thing for you. I was
              laughing at him when he said it ... And I'm rather
              surprised that it's actually that way.
[11:22:45 PM] ... There ar: Dont be sorry for that.
[11:23:53 PM] They don't l: yeah. it is.
[11:24:24 PM] They don't l: i promise you, if i didn't have as strong
              as feeling for him as i do, i wouldn't even both. i know
              this is hurting you so much.
[11:24:55 PM] ... There ar: (Both what?)
[11:25:08 PM] ... There ar: You dont have to promise me, tho.
[11:25:33 PM] They don't l: oh sorr.. *bother
[11:25:39 PM] ... There ar: Ah.
[11:25:56 PM] ... There ar: Do you love him?
[11:26:21 PM] They don't l: 8nods* yeah. i do.
[11:26:26 PM] ... There ar: *nods back*
[11:26:44 PM] They don't l: i'm so sorry matt.
[11:26:51 PM] They don't l: *sighs*
[11:26:58 PM] ... There ar: *sighs back* Me too ...
[11:27:06 PM] They don't l: *hugs*
[11:27:18 PM] They don't l: i'm always here for you.. i hope you know
              that and still believe meon that
[11:27:26 PM] ... There ar: ... I know.
[11:27:31 PM] ... There ar: .. Same, here ...
[11:27:43 PM] They don't l: thank you.. that means the owrld.
[11:27:48 PM] ... There ar: I'm glad.
[11:28:10 PM] They don't l: *smiels*
[11:29:33 PM] ... There ar: ...Why do you think you feel the way you
              do about him?
[11:29:52 PM] They don't l: i'm not totally sure.
[11:29:54 PM] They don't l: he jsut.. 
[11:29:59 PM] They don't l: i'm not sure.
[11:30:02 PM] They don't l: but i just do.
[11:30:12 PM] ... There ar: *frowns slightly* Okay.
[11:32:39 PM] They don't l: i'm sorry.. that wasn't the best asnwer,
              was it?
[11:33:36 PM] ... There ar: ... There should never be a "best" answer.
              I can't say I expected more, though, honestly. I'd've
              been slightly surprised.
[11:34:26 PM] They don't l: yeah
[11:38:08 PM] ... There ar: ... I just ... I hope this works out for
              you. To me ... He just ... I dunno.
[11:39:28 PM] ... There ar: ... I hate spoiling this for you, beause I
              feel it's a very, very special time when you exchange
              it, but ... You'll still have that virgin-moment
              (Admitting to love) because it's only special when you
              can see their eyes and hear it...
[11:40:02 PM] ... There ar: .. There are worlds, hiding behind words,
              and words with worlds within ... says:
              ...Do you love her?
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              would you even honestly want me to answer that? with
              common sense..
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              ...Yes. I do. Infact, I feel it's very important.
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              Why do you believe you feel the way you do about her?
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              it's not a belief, its a knowledge.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              You're dodging the question.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              Bad diction, if you will, on mine.
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              no I'm not
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              ... Then if you'd please answer it?
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              I did.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              Okay, then; How do you know you feel that way for her.
[11:40:16 PM] ... There ar: .. There are worlds, hiding behind words,
              and words with worlds within ... says:
              ... Then if you'd please answer it?
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              I did.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              Okay, then; How do you know you feel that way for her.
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              love is the most unexplainable thing that exists. you
              can't explain it, you just know when you feel it.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              ... Brian, you sound like a greeting card.
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              blah, I always sounds like something.
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              ~*Brian*~ says:
              *shrugs* it's true
              ... There are worlds, hiding behind words, and words
              with worlds within ... says:
              I know.
[11:43:24 PM] ... There ar: ... I wish you'd pay attention.
[11:43:52 PM] They don't l: me?
[11:43:58 PM] ... There ar: *frowns, nods*
[11:44:03 PM] ... There ar: Look up.
[11:44:10 PM] They don't l: i did. iread it all
[11:44:14 PM] ... There ar: Mmm.
[11:45:07 PM] They don't l: yeah..
[11:45:17 PM] ... There ar: Sorry.
[11:45:55 PM] ... There ar: Uhm ... Well, I suppose I can let you go,
              if you'd ... Like to talk to him, alone, or ... Well,
              it's the internet, it's still private, but without me
              talking to you as well?
[11:47:13 PM] They don't l: no. i'm fein talking to you too, matt
[11:48:09 PM] ... There ar: *sigh* ... Is there anything else you want
              to talk about, or feel needs to be said/discussed?
[11:49:19 PM] They don't l: not right now for me, but if you ever want
              to talk, i'm here.
[11:49:30 PM] ... There ar: okay ..
[11:50:17 PM] ... There ar: I'll leave you be, then ... Should go to
              sleep in the next few hours, too, yknow ... Sweetest
              dreams, sleep softly.
[11:50:36 PM] They don't l: lovely nightmares, matt

| Session Start: Monday, February 13, 2006                           |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    ...can't fucking do this anymore .. ( |
|    ...panies To Make People Feel Like Crap~ ( |
[05:53:02 PM] ~Valentines : ..hey
[05:53:07 PM] ... I can't : ... What.
[05:53:20 PM] ~Valentines : random hello
[05:53:24 PM] ... I can't : ...Yeah. Hi.
[05:53:30 PM] ... I can't : What do you want this time?
[05:54:02 PM] ~Valentines : just chatting, there isn't anybody that I
              talk to online really other than you.
[05:54:59 PM] ... I can't : ...oH thanks.
[05:55:19 PM] ~Valentines : and I usually talk to you when I'm on..
[05:56:40 PM] ... I can't : ...Yeah. If you can't tell, having a
              pretty goddamn shitty time, over here.
[05:57:39 PM] ~Valentines : yeah, I know, but I also know you well
              enough to know that no amount of apology would really
              change anything, so there is no real purpose in trying
[05:58:35 PM] ... I can't : ... It's not even just YOU, right now.
              Ever think of that one?
[05:58:51 PM] ... I can't : ... You dont need to know much about me to
              know that, either.
[05:59:15 PM] ~Valentines : I guess, I just more assumed it was the
              whole situation with me and such now
[06:02:45 PM] ... I can't : Yeah. You're a biiig fucking part. But not
[06:05:46 PM] ... I can't : My friend Haylee? The night I lost my
              phone, last week? She was talking to me, crying, because
              of a friend of her's who ran into a tree while skiing,
              and has a shortterm amnesia. Her exboyfriend, was also
              recently exposed as being a child molester. He's going
              to an adult prison. He's 18. He was fingering a 5 year
              old that vists with her mom every once in a while.
              Holly? Collapsed, on the job, from burnout. She went
              into the hospital. Leah? Battling cancer. Again. And
              seemingly-eternal sickness. Me? Constantly, -always-
              being crushed in some form, between you and Emma and my
              mom and my dad. I could keep going. This isnt half the
              shit I have to let run through my mind, every day.
[06:07:18 PM] ~Valentines : holy shit dude.
[06:07:26 PM] ~Valentines : its a miracle you're still vertical.
[06:07:38 PM] ... I can't : Holly, Haylee, leah, Emma, you, Fiona,
              Natalie, Lily, Darby, Jessica ... They've all got a story. I used
              to put myself in the middle of it all, because I had
              strength, and people to draw on. Now? I've got NOTHING.
[06:09:24 PM] ~Valentines : I stand by the same comment.
[06:12:13 PM] ... I can't : I'm ready to fucking snap. Leave me alone.
              Go kiss my ex for a while. Play with her hair. Tickle
              her feet. Caress her cheek. Give her eskimo kisses. Sing
              songs with her on the living room floor. She likes all
              that. But leave me the fuck alone for today. You can't
              help me. And I dont need any more crap.
[06:13:43 PM] ~Valentines : ok, I'll respect your want for me to leave
              you alone, just take care of yourself though, stay on
              the top side of the grass.
[06:14:15 PM] ... I can't : Whatever you say, Brian ... whatever you
              say ...
[06:14:20 PM] * ~Valentines Day Is A Day Created By The Greeting Card
              Companies To Make People Feel Like Crap~ has been

~ §emper ƒi: Šo or Šie ~


Published: February 13, 2006
Editor: stacy

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