June 3, 2006

Angels have wings to fly
   by kutulu <kutulu@otakumail.com>

Wow its been so long since I've posted in here. Not much has changed though so it still feels just like it did 5 years ago. Anywho I have a conundrum. One that I know the answer to. We all know the answer to these, its just, this I cant get past. Five months is quite a time to think of somebody day in and day out.

I've known her for about a year now. We worked together at a local store. We, well we hit it off rather well. She wasnt the greatest looking girl, she didnt have to be. I could tell she had this innate attraction to me. It was like wherever I went, she was there. It was something I never quite experienced. We rarely spoke of relationships or anything like that, most of the time we'd speak of theology, human nature, psychology, and what-not. I seemingly didnt have a strong attraction to her at this point. I didnt think I did.

Well she left work to go to back to school and I was stuck without her. She'd visit me infrequently at the store, since her father worked there, and she'd spend time with me everytime she was there. Again, I really didnt feel like there was something I was missing when I was around her. And I certainly didnt feel as if I needed to try to go out with her.

Then December came, and I just asked her for her number. I know why I asked for it. I was extremely depressed. I had no one. My life was deteriorating again and I had no one to talk to. So that night we talked, for hours. Just talked. She herself spoke of the fact that she didnt have many people to just open up to. So we did for about 4 hours.

The next day came, Sunday the first of the year, and I asked her if she'd like to go see a movie. She said yes. So I took her to see the abysmal Wolf Creek. She didnt care to much for it, and we agreed to go see a dollar movie afterwards. We went to go see Jarhead, and our defenses just dropped completely. I had a wonderful night with her, we didnt have sex or anything. Just a night of some heavy making out. I didnt expect it at all, and to say that it was amazing is an understatement. I dont think I've ever kissed a girl so passionate.

The night ended and I took her home around midnight. Completely enthralled that maybe something will come of this. I didnt realize just how attracted I was to her until she expressed the same amount of attraction towards me. I never really had such a great connection with a girl before, mental and physical. All that was missing was the spiritual connection...

Well nothing came of it, for a day we exchanged calls and talked. Then she laid the big one on me. I cant remember her exact words, but within the week she said that it couldnt work out. I dont know why I felt so freaking destroyed. I think it was partly because I didnt expect it at all. I never expected someone like her to just reject me like that, even when she spoke of her rejection so openly with me. I figured it was our age difference, she's 17 and I'm 24. So I just let things pass as they would for the time being.

I didn't want her to feel as if I used her so I did my best to stay in contact. I texted her just to say hi, and let her know that I was there for her. I emailed her frequently, and even sent her a get well card when she was sick. I did everything I could to show her I cared. Not only that but I sent her a valentines day card. Well I made the card, digitally. I wanted to show her how she made me felt, and still makes me feel. All of this got lukewarm reception.

It was at this point that I felt that truly she thought that I used her, and it haunted me day in and day out. Along with thoughts of her. Come March im at work, and her father approaches me about fixing their computer. I agree to do so. This happens during the time we havent been talking much at all. Still I think about her constantly. So I work on their home computer, find tons of spyware, viruses, what-not. I end up having to format the drive. During the time I spent there she talked to me a little more than she had, and I with her. Though I knew better than to think things could actually happen between us. Still things were stagnant, it seemed we had lost the friendship that we had before we had that fateful night.

Shortly after fixing her computer I find out that she's been going out with a guy, a guy that looks curiously like me. Same build, almost same face, but I dont match his personality. This lasted all of 2 months, then suddenly she's interested in a 27 year old. This all struck me as incredibly odd, but I didnt want to approach her on this. I figured it's best to leave this to lie. Though I felt somewhat replaced, even though I wasn't there to be replaced.

So now its June, and I worked on her computer again. It seems like things keep messing up with it. The last time I saw her she seemed sad, and the day before that we talked for about 15 minutes about nothing and everything. Then yesterday I texted her and we ended up chatting most of the day. She started working back at our old store so I mentioned bout needing to pick up something. Later in the day I completely forgot about it and she texted me asking if I was going. I went just because she asked me to. We ended up having a nice convo and I chatted with all my old co-workers. Then we texted until the end of the night. Today we texted again, and I have to admit I'm not sure what to think.

I've come to several conclusions on how I feel about her. It has nothing to do with her looks, or anything physical. It's how I feel around her. I just halt up and want to be near her. It seems like whenever we're together she makes an excuse to touch me, nothing erotic. Though I gotta tell you I feel terrible about this. I wish I could just push past this emotion I have for her. She herself is a saint, honestly. She's a Catholic who loves her faith and has such a strong devotion to it. From what I hear she has this strong desire to become a nun. Though I'm completely adverse to this kind of thing, I'm not one to deny her of her dreams. But with how she's been reacting towards me lately something tells me she's been thinking about me. Perhaps not as much as I think about her, but somehow I know she is.

My problem is one or the other, and I've somewhat come to terms with me not being able to have her. It's not that it's because I know I can't. On the contrary, I think if I tried I could get back into graces with her. The problem is, I don't want to hold her back. Everytime I think of her I think of her age, and just how much of a problem having a 24 year old boyfriend could be. Not only that but one that knows her parents. I dont want to put that kind of burden on her, and I certainly dont want to burden her with my problems either. It drives me crazy that I think about her so much, but I've gone 5 months like this so I think I can hold out. Besides there are many other fish in the sea, so to speak. So I really dont have much of advice to ask of you who read this. I just needed a vent to finally say that my angel has wings, and she is gonna use them to fly away and be free.

Published: June 3, 2006
Editor: stacy